Raw thoughts, no plan.

Hello lovely readers,

Sorry I've been away for so long. I've had a few moments of "I should blog this" or "i'm feeling ready to write" yet I've avoided it. Found other things to do, other uses of my time.

Today though, I just really feel the need to share my failure.

I've been attending a bootcamp now for almost 2 months. We've started this challenge, and 2 times a week, we have work out challenges we have to do. Knowing that today's challenges included pull ups and push-ups. I struggled to get out of bed.

I struggled to get moving this morning.
I struggled to get in the door.

I made it.
I got up, got EJ to preschool and went to camp. Got on the floor, did the warm up. Got assigned the pull-ups in the first station.

Great.

Pull-ups.

I knew this was coming. I asked my husband last week, if I can just get one pull up out, "will you be proud of me?" I wanted to hear a flat out 'yes, but I'm already proud of you for what you've accomplished.' My husband is a man of few words. I'm realizing right now, as I type this, because I never sit down prepared to write a certain thing, I just let the words come out. I've been trying to get his approval, he appreciation, I want to know he is proud of me. I want him to tell me that, without me prompting him.

Well, I got up on the box step, knowing it wasn't worth trying it unassisted, I went straight to the blue band. The last option, the tool that is suppose to make it the easiest.

Arms up.
and GO! Up....no, I went down, and could not pull up! Not even an inch.

I tried again. Down I went.

Finally reached out to the trainer and was told if I couldn't do one, then I could do these type that lay down sort of and that would work.

So I failed. I failed my dream of doing ONE pull up.

I didn't give up on that dream, it will happen, but it might be months.

I cried, I let evil thoughts in my heads.

I went through the rest of the upper body protocol, and got back to station one...the pull-ups.

Guess what, I didn't go straight back to the TRX bands, I went back up to the box. I was determined to try it again.

I tried it again...two more times, and I failed. I had to come to the realization that, I was not going to do a pull up today. I don't believe I quit, and I don't believe I gave up. I went back to the TRX bands and knocked out 15 modified pull ups.

Getting 1 pull up in today, would not have changed my life. My husband probably would not have told me he was proud of me. He just doesn't do those things. It doesn't change who I am. I am still KJ, child of the King.

My Father, is still proud of me, He loves me with or without a push up. In fact, he knows the EXACT date I will finally get that pull up in. How cool is that?!

I was searching for approval in the wrong place, and that has come to a head...right now. The only approval I need, I have. Because Its not about what I achieve its about what I receive. The day I accepted Christ I received his LOVE and APPROVAL every day, no matter what.

I failed today, but I learned today.
I will fail at something tomorrow, hopefully I will learn again.
One day I will get that pull up in, and if I don't...well at least I can full back on my push ups ;) (162 in 10 minutes for those of you wondering)

Thanks for working through my emotions with me.

Signing off
#warriorprincessKJ

Changes....

So I've made some changes this week....

I walked into a bootcamp my friend recommended with the intentions of just checking it out...an hour later I was walking out having signed up for the trial and all sweaty....good think my normal every day clothes double as workout clothes.

While I'm at bootcamp I struggle....a lot. 

I hate that, I hate to struggle, I usually only do things that I'm good at and that don't hurt. 

As much as I hate the struggle and the pain...I absolutely love this place!!! Its a place I feel comfortable at, a place where I feel I fit in. I knew one person when I went, one time. Other than that, its been me...meeting new people, all with a common goal to get healthy. 

Sure we are all at different skill levels. I can not hold a plank for more than 10 seconds...but others can hold a plank with weights on their backs, for Minutes!!! Sure they can hold their wall sits...and I cry through trying to hold mine for 3 seconds.....However, we are all accepted and encouraged and there for one another.

Sure, I don't know their names. I'm sure I'll learn them all some day. However, bonds are forming right there on that mat, with the sticky sweaty, KJ and it's pretty awesome.

The other pretty awesome thing....3 days in....I actually still have energy...I'm not dying at 5:30 on Friday night. I've even ran after my 2 year old tonight!!! What the what?!

Between the working out and the diet change...I'm positive that is what is causing my energy changes :)

Can't wait to see what the next 3 days do ;)

Signing off

#warriorprincessKJ