You Are Seen

Tomorrow will be a happy day for a lot of women in America. (I'm not sure if other countries celebrate Mother's Day or not. I don't know...)

However, there are some women out there whose hearts will break tomorrow. I know, because I was once one of them.

Four years ago my husband and I decided we were going to try grow our family, with no luck.

Four years ago, I watched 19 friends announce pregnancies on Facebook within weeks of each other.

Four years ago, I thought I was pregnant, only to find out that while it had happened, the egg did not stick and no, I truly wasn't pregnant, I just tested too early.

Four years ago, I learned I had PCOS on top of my already diagnosed stage four endometriosis.

Four years ago, I doubted I would ever be able to have a child of my own.

Four years ago, I sat in the back of a full church on Mother's Day listening to a sermon on Mothers.

Four years ago, I walked out of that sanctuary to go cry, because I was not going to have my own child and I could not handle all the emotions going on in me.

Four years ago, I learned just how hard Mother's Day can be.

I want you to know....You are Seen. I see you. GOD sees you hurting. He knows your hurts and your desires. He knows your plans, but his are greater.

I really don't know what else to say to you other than you are SEEN, and LOVED. That is what is pressing on my heart right now.

You may not be a Mother but

*You may be a Step-Mom raising a Child you loves you dearly and you are inspiring them and YOU ARE SEEN
*You may not be speaking to your child, or your child may not be speaking to you but YOU ARE SEEN
*You may be an aunt who influences your nieces and nephews and YOU ARE SEEN
*You may be a servant leader inspiring children and YOU ARE SEEN
*You may be a Friend inspiring someone and YOU ARE SEEN
*You may want nothing more than to feel the movement of a baby in your belly and tomorrow will be hard for you because you do not have that....but KNOW YOU ARE SEEN You are heard and you are LOVED!

On that note to all my reader's I wish you a Happy Mother's Day because not all mom give birth, so if you are touching the life of someone, you deserve to be wished a Happy Mother's Day, too. 

~*Signing Off*~
#warriorprincessKJ

accountability

Good afternoon,

Something happened at Teens last night, that I just have to share.

We are working through a series at church called "Hope Dealers". Its been an amazing series, where are you finding your hope, how to share your hope in Jesus with others, etc.

Well, yesterdays topic was on our identity and how we need to find our hope in who we are with Christ. However, what does that look like for a teen was the topic, etc. Now I know I'm not a teen...but I was really struck by a few of the questions, and at the end, we discussed what sins are holding us back from living the life Jesus created for us.

It was put on my heart yesterday my disobedience towards writing.

So when asked to write down that sin that is holding us back, I wrote down disobedience.

I decided to give it over to The Lord, because it is only through His power that I am able to write, that I am able to give up being disobedient.

I'm asking you, my readers, to help me out with this. I'm telling you straight up that I need help. I am very disobedient when it comes to writing. I don't understand the calling. It scares the living right out of me. It FREAKS ME OUT, almost as much as spiders! However, I realized last time I wrote, that since I'm feeling called to write, and writing about what is on my heart, I'm learning to heal from things. This will be better for me then for anyone else if I just give up my control and do as I'm told.

Seriously, don't we wish that of our children at times? Like, NO just do it my way...please I'm begging you! So here I am trying to do it HIS way instead of mine.

Could you call me out if you don't see me writing enough? Maybe throw a topic or 2 at me....;)

What is enough? If you don't see 1-2 posts a week...then I'm not writing enough, deal?

I know I tried to do the whole #write365 thing, but I was like nah, I don't have to do that. I quit.

SO lets try this again....1-2 posts a week for the future. Okay? No post all week..CALL ME OUT! Check in with me, whatever you must do to make sure I'm not falling into my trap of disobedience?

Thank you in advance!!!

~*Signing off*~
#warriorprincessKJ

Raw thoughts, no plan.

Hello lovely readers,

Sorry I've been away for so long. I've had a few moments of "I should blog this" or "i'm feeling ready to write" yet I've avoided it. Found other things to do, other uses of my time.

Today though, I just really feel the need to share my failure.

I've been attending a bootcamp now for almost 2 months. We've started this challenge, and 2 times a week, we have work out challenges we have to do. Knowing that today's challenges included pull ups and push-ups. I struggled to get out of bed.

I struggled to get moving this morning.
I struggled to get in the door.

I made it.
I got up, got EJ to preschool and went to camp. Got on the floor, did the warm up. Got assigned the pull-ups in the first station.

Great.

Pull-ups.

I knew this was coming. I asked my husband last week, if I can just get one pull up out, "will you be proud of me?" I wanted to hear a flat out 'yes, but I'm already proud of you for what you've accomplished.' My husband is a man of few words. I'm realizing right now, as I type this, because I never sit down prepared to write a certain thing, I just let the words come out. I've been trying to get his approval, he appreciation, I want to know he is proud of me. I want him to tell me that, without me prompting him.

Well, I got up on the box step, knowing it wasn't worth trying it unassisted, I went straight to the blue band. The last option, the tool that is suppose to make it the easiest.

Arms up.
and GO! Up....no, I went down, and could not pull up! Not even an inch.

I tried again. Down I went.

Finally reached out to the trainer and was told if I couldn't do one, then I could do these type that lay down sort of and that would work.

So I failed. I failed my dream of doing ONE pull up.

I didn't give up on that dream, it will happen, but it might be months.

I cried, I let evil thoughts in my heads.

I went through the rest of the upper body protocol, and got back to station one...the pull-ups.

Guess what, I didn't go straight back to the TRX bands, I went back up to the box. I was determined to try it again.

I tried it again...two more times, and I failed. I had to come to the realization that, I was not going to do a pull up today. I don't believe I quit, and I don't believe I gave up. I went back to the TRX bands and knocked out 15 modified pull ups.

Getting 1 pull up in today, would not have changed my life. My husband probably would not have told me he was proud of me. He just doesn't do those things. It doesn't change who I am. I am still KJ, child of the King.

My Father, is still proud of me, He loves me with or without a push up. In fact, he knows the EXACT date I will finally get that pull up in. How cool is that?!

I was searching for approval in the wrong place, and that has come to a head...right now. The only approval I need, I have. Because Its not about what I achieve its about what I receive. The day I accepted Christ I received his LOVE and APPROVAL every day, no matter what.

I failed today, but I learned today.
I will fail at something tomorrow, hopefully I will learn again.
One day I will get that pull up in, and if I don't...well at least I can full back on my push ups ;) (162 in 10 minutes for those of you wondering)

Thanks for working through my emotions with me.

Signing off
#warriorprincessKJ

Sorry.

For those of you who have been worrying about me...I'm still alive!

I'm sorry I've seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. I've been processing things.

Lots of things.

I was just looking on facebook and saw this post by Natalie Grant regarding her song "Clean"

I've spent hours today, reading every single comment about my song "Clean". Tears have streamed down my face and I've...
Posted by Natalie Grant on Monday, October 26, 2015

I was reading the last line: There's NOTHING too dirty that HE can't make worthy. He is the King of the world and His grace does not have an expiration date.

That basically sums up for me how my thoughts about myself changed on October 18, 2014

I had been seeing myself as dirty for 13 years, unworthy of basically anything good. Then I realized, that no. God has MADE me worthy, he has made me clean. I can't wait to buy this album by Natalie Grant and listen to you daily to be reminded that He Made Me Whole, Clean and Worthy again. 

The only person that can do that is God himself, no person on earth can fill those voids. 

I got to thinking then, that maybe someone out there in my blog world is feeling unworthy, unclean, and unwanted tonight. 

I want you to know that you are WANTED! and the one that wants you can make you WORTHY and CLEAN and WHOLE! All you have to do is trust in him. 

His Name is Jesus Christ, he wanted you so much he died for you! 

Do you know anyone that loves and wants you so much they would truly do that for you? Any human being? I can honestly tell you I don't think my husband even loves me that much.

I'll leave you with that. 

~*Signing off*~
#warriorprincessKJ

My Story-Part 6

Continually Trusting God in Blessing and Strife

Eventually, like with most marriages, Ben and I desired to expand our family.  We tried and tried and tried. For six months we tried. I know that doesn't seem like a long time, but when 13 (yes, I counted one day) of your closest friends are all expecting or unexpectedly expecting, six months seems like forever.

I haven't mentioned before is that Ben already had a child when we got married. AB is a sweet, loving, innocent boy. AB’s mom is not in our life—we rarely hear from her even when we try contacting her. 

During this time of not being able to get pregnant, I was constantly reminded of how easy it was for AB’s mom to get pregnant and how easy it was for her to leave him behind. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to have a child grow inside of me and I would love them forever and ever—but for whatever reason I couldn’t get pregnant and she so easily could. It didn’t seem fair. Why was God doing this to me?

Are you noticing a pattern: When things go wrong I'd just jump to blaming God. 

So why wasn’t I getting pregnant? At 21,I was diagnosed with stage four endometriosis, along with it's evil twin Interstitial Cystitis. Luckily, my gynecologist was very proactive and said we would only have to try on our own for six months, then she would send us to a specialist. 

Six months came and went, and off to a fertility specialist we went. 

But, I began to see we were leaning on ourselves and the world for we wanted, so I decided to pray. Wherever I could find people willing to pray for me, I asked them to pray for I would get pregnant. I wanted a child of my own to connect with more than anything.  

Maybe to fill that void again? 

Test after test proved I also had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I wondered if this was God's way of getting back at me for having sex before marriage. I cried out to Him, in desperation for a child. I, of course, know now that God doesn’t get back at us. He doesn’t strike us down because of what we’ve done. If that was the case he wouldn't have sent his ONE AND ONLY child to die on a cross just so to strike us down. Instead, He sent His son to save us, because He loves us. We see this in the Bible, in the Book of John. 

 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.  (John 3: 16-17 ESV)

Soon after I realized that God was not punishing me, but indeed he Love me, I started treatment for my PCOS, we were able to conceive a beautiful little girl!

 And oh, did the Lord know I would need a little girl. Don’t get me wrong—my son, AB, is amazing, but he is all BOY! He is a stinky, dirty, play with bugs and do sports type of boy. He won't sit and color with me, he won't cook with me, he doesn't enjoy doing girlie things with me. But, our daughter, EJ, is a tutu wearing, baby doll playing, girlie girl. In fact as I sit her typing this, she has: played doctor on me, colored me a picture and sat down next to me just to hang out. Okay, even though she is totally girlie girl, she totally adores her big brother and all that he does, she gets dirty right along with him, then realizes she is dirty and yells about it. The two together are quite the package for this momma. 

Every Season a New Chapter with God

Ben and I have now been married for five and a half years. AB is nine and EJ is two. We have recently uprooted our family and moved from the midwest to the south. We've had to rely more on God now then we have before as we don't have family here and we have a small, but growing, community of believers in our lives. 

This move is just another season in our life, but it has helped me to truly see God moving. He didn’t just start moving—He’s been moving ever since that I was born. Throughout my childhood of going to church and not really understating the Bible stories, verse, confirmation classes, and more. He was building a foundation for later. Throughout my teenage years of messing up, getting hurt, and being angry at Him, He was working it so that I’d eventually give Him my whole life. And throughout my early adult years he was also working so as a family we’d depend on Him in every good and bad situation. 

As you read my blog and watch me grow, I hope you will see him move in my life and in your life as well. Thank you for reading my story. Remember its not over, its just beginning of another chapter.

In Him

#warriorprincessKJ

My Story-Part 5

Not Happily Ever After, but Better

It could be easy to think that after marrying Ben everything would be like a fairy tale. But that’s not really what happened for us—in fact it wasn’t even a fairy tale honeymoon. Or much of a honeymoon at all!

I like to make sure Ben knows we never got a real honeymoon. Even if we could redo it, later in marriage, it’s just called vacation. Here’s what happened…

On the plane from Minnesota to Texas, Ben asked me for the vomit bag. Before I knew what he wanted, I was covered.  We changed out of our puke covered clothes on our layover in Texas, but at the gate for our flight to Mexico, Ben got sick again, and threw up three more times. 

I was freaking out wondering what was going on with my new husband, should we be going to Mexico, what are we thinking? But Ben felt ready to go, so we boarded the plane. Sitting on the plane to Mexico, I looked over at ben and he was gray, about to pass out. I paged the flight attendant. Asked her if we could have a cold wash cloth, he wasn’t feeling good, he kind of felt like he was going to pass out. Flight attendant by day, nurse by night, she asked, “does he fly a lot, maybe he is just nervous?” My response, “Well, he is a pilot.” 

Instantly, a doctor and physician’s assistant sitting around us came to our aid. The flight attendant, knowing something wasn’t right, set in motion a gate return and had an ambulance called. At the emergency room, Ben was diagnosed with a stomach bug, and dehydration. 

We were not going to Mexico. We spent the first night of our honeymoon far from Mexico in a hotel room, that cost less than the room service we ordered.  We flew home the next day, but not together. I flew home and Ben had to use his original ticket back to Minnesota, as he was scheduled to go back to work right after our week in Mexico. Do you know anyone else who got to have dinner with JUST their in-laws on their honeymoon? Not my husband, just his parents. It was sweet and it is something we can laugh at now, but at the time, I was so angry. 

So our honeymoon was far from a fairy tale. All I can remember is wondering, why? Why, Lord, why?

Why did I not get to go on a honeymoon? After the stress of planning a wedding at a long distance and the stress of graduating and finding a real job, that was all I was looking forward to. I was so disappointed, I was so discouraged, I was so angry! I still don’t know why things happened the way they did. 

What I do know, is that God did not want us to go to Mexico, and he made sure we didn’t make it. 

But the marriage is more important than the wedding and honeymoon, right? That was no fairy tale right away either. As good as our relationship started by going to church and me coming to Christ, our marriage started differently.

Ben and I were surviving, getting along, doing things on our own and certainly not relying on God. Six months into marriage Ben lost his medical certificate—major thing a pilot needs to fly. When a pilot loses his medical certificate, he stops being able to work. Wow! Did we ever find ourselves in trial!

We were newly married, trying to figure out how to live with each other, and supporting ourselves. We were no longer being taken care of by our parents and we also no longer had two paychecks.  And my job didn’t even cover my student loan debt, let along our daily bills. 

How would this work? How could we survive? What should we do?

Notice the questions floating through our minds: They were asking how we would do it, not how He would do it. This was the first time I realized we weren’t relying on God in our marriage. We weren’t doing it right. This is the first time I remember turing to God—really turing to God. 

We made a lot of plans. We made plans for ourselves by ourselves. The plans weren’t made by God, but by just us. Every plan we made fell apart. I no longer felt married—I felt like I shared a bed with a male roommate. We were not talking to each other well. We were not making plans together. We were talking to everyone but the two people we needed to be to talk to—each other and God. I screamed out to God so confused and so lost.

One bright spot in Ben being laid off from work, was he was home on weekends, which meant we could attend church together. We were able to try out a different church we had been interested in. It happened to be Adoption Sunday and the Lord spoke to us both, he told us both we belonged at that church, that He wanted us there. We looked at each other in the car and just both knew that we had both felt the same thing. 

God was working in us. We started relying on God more than ourselves. Ben ever got his medical back and was able to fly again. God was paving paths for us. 

My Story-Part 4

Unfillable Void

Life continued on after my confession. However, I also continued to try fill the void in my heart. Later I found out this void was because I was missing a relationship with Jesus Christ, but I didn’t know that at the time. So instead of Christ, I found Tony.

 Tony was grand. He was a big tough guy with a sensitive side. I told him my story. I told him I wasn’t ready, and he held me while I cried. He helped me work through the pain. He even basically quoted my brother. So I felt I had a strong man that would protect me should Chris ever show up again. But no man can truly fill that void. I saw a future with Tony, so I started clinging to him like I should have been clinging to God. This pushed Tony away, right into another girl’s bed. 

Then I met Garrett. and found my way into his arms and his bed. Garrett wanted me and I wanted to be wanted.  So even though he tore me away from all my friends, and close family and my parents hated him, that really didn’t matter. At 17, I thought I knew it all and I found someone who wanted me for me.

I transferred colleges to one near Garrett, but within a month it was over. Sadly, it took Garrett threatening to kill himself for my attention for me to wake up and realize I was in another abusive relationship. Only this time it was emotional and mental rather than physical, but it was abusive nonetheless.

 One week later I met Ben. Oh man, did Ben make my heart flutter! We met online, in a chat room, as with all the men before. Only, this time was different. 

A Fresh Start

By this point in my life, I started to see that something was missing from my life. I could tell that these boys weren’t comforting anymore. After high school graduation I had stopped going to church unless it was with family—but only then to please them. But now I wasn’t quite so mad at God and had started missing Him. 

Soon after we met, Ben picked me up for our first date. Boy, was he cute. He held open doors for me: dorm doors, car doors; if it was a door, Ben was holding it open. This was October 28 (that’s a familiar date!) we went to Applebee’s, he paid and I was in Love. The last two boys, never had money, both had full time jobs, but no money for dates. 

Then, for our second date, Ben took me to church. 

Can you believe it? Here I was a “mad at God” girl going to Church—on a date. I had been feeling that void stronger than ever, so when Ben invited me to church, I said, “Yes!” What was there to lose? 

Ben and I attended church together as much as we could. And guess what? The void in my heart began to fill! I started reading the Bible. I started spending time in prayer, searching, asking questions, and learning. I soon realized that I had never truly accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I had never admitted to being a sinner and that I truly needed Him. 

October 28 is a significant day for me. It’s the day I was “confirmed” in my faith, and the day I met the man who would lead me to Christ. 

The day I saw my daddy cry for the second time, was the day Ben was waiting for me, at the end of the aisle, at the front of the Church, ready to become my husband and my forever partner. 

God had done a significant work in my life to bring me to this point where I trusted in Him for salvation and trusted in Him to fill my void. The wedding was beautiful. Our pastor shared the Gospel for the message, which was the most important thing to us besides our vows. 

My Story-Part 3

No God and No Attention

So there I was: 15 years old, no longer a virgin, no longer getting the attention I was seeking, and being told I should be pregnant.

So, of course I ran away from God, I mean, where else would a person go? 

To that guy who wants you to stay a virgin, yet doesn’t stop you from being raped? 

No way! I’m not stupid, I’m a smart 15 year old. 

I started withdrawing as much as I could from life without my parents figuring out something was up. I retreated to my bedroom to be alone. I stayed busy with school and activities. I still went to church, because that was the rule. I still taught Sunday school, I still went to confirmation class. These are things I HAD to do, or I would be in trouble with my mom and dad—and I didn’t need that. 

Six months later, my brother and I were walking to my car so I could take him to hockey, when I saw Chris’s car driving down our street. 

RED FLAGS WENT OFF ALL OVER!!!! 

For starters, Chris lived an hour and half away from my parent’s house. Secondly, my house was on a back, private road, there was no reason for Chris to be on that road because he didn’t know anyone else who lived there.

I told myself to stay calm. That it would be okay. My brother was there and Chris wouldn’t approach if I wasn’t alone. Only…I was going to be alone, after I dropped my brother off at hockey. I don’t remember what happened the drive to hockey or home from hockey. I just remember running inside as quick as I could.

 I HAD TO TELL THEM. 

They needed to know. 

If he was going to start showing up I needed protection. 

My mom was really upset with me and I remember that being the only time I had ever seen my dad cry. 

We went to the doctor the next day to check everything out and then I had to go see a psychologist. I found out the state had to press charges against Chris for statutory rape, because the age range between us was too large by only two months.  I would have to tell my story to someone else. Luckily, I was able to do it in a private room, with one person and a video camera. But now all my lies were coming back to haunt me. When I answered the question “How did you really meet Chris?” I saw the look of disappointment on my parent’s faces, and the look of my dad crying. I will never forget it. I hadn’t seen him cry before then, and the only time since I’ve seen him cry was on my wedding day. 

I survived that year. A few friends knew what I was dealing with, but most people didn’t. I never talked about it with anyone other than my parents, the police and my doctors. I never even talked about it with my brother. He knew, because I told my parents they could tell him, but I didn’t want to talk about it. This, however, was the first time I knew my brother truly loved me. My mom told me my brother did not handle it well—he said, “If I ever see Chris again, I will hurt him.” Those were his exact words, but what he said was way more graphic none loving words, but words that felt like a giant hug in my heart from my little pesky brother. 

My Story-Part 2

Hating God

Don’t get me wrong. I loved going to Bible camp and youth gatherings and teaching Sunday school. I felt alive at youth gatherings, being with other people in the church, worshipping the Lord. What amazing feelings! God was Awesome. 

But a fateful summer day changed all that. 

I was in 10th grade when I made my confirmation, and no longer a virgin. I had been someone who was going to save herself for her husband, for marriage — just like I was taught in church was God’s plan. Actually, I had no desire to have sex with anyone until my wedding night. However, I was someone who the boys at school never looked at and I had poor self-esteem. Mix this with access to the internet and I became someone who could easily be taken advantage of.  

I started looking for attention from boys in online chat rooms. Chris was an older boy and I liked his attention; I had found someone to “love” me. Someone to fill the empty spaces in my heart. Rather than turning to God and letting Him do that. 

Chris and I saw each other a few times, before that fateful summer day. I had lied to my parents about how I met him. I made up an elaborate story about how I had met him at an out of town volleyball match that they didn’t attend. They believed me, because I was a ‘good kid’ who did the right things, I didn’t get into trouble, and I hadn’t proven I couldn’t be trusted. 

That fateful day, my brother had a baseball game that just happened to be in Chris’ hometown. Well, of course I wanted to go! I talked my parents into letting me hang out with Chris instead of actually going to the baseball game. Chris took me back to his house where we weren’t supposed to go. He had a tent all set up—big plans it seemed. 

This should have been a big red flag and I should have bolted faster than any human being could have! But come on now, I was an overweight girl who was finally getting attention from—gasp—a boy! Besides, Chris knew my feelings about sex. He knew I was a virgin and I wasn’t ready. 

When I saw the tent in his yard, he told me it was there because he had spend the night out there. He figured we could just hang out in private, away from his brother. Say it with me—RED FLAG!

I should have been thinking, What in the world, girl! Get your fat butt of here! 

But I wasn’t. 

I believed him and I liked the attention he gave me.

We started kissing, honestly, I don’t remember much about him, but he was a terrible kisser. Like seriously terrible! I’m so sad that my first kiss was from him. One thing led to another and he started asking for more. This went on for more than an hour. Every time I answered no, he asked again. Finally. He got sick of asking and I got sick of hearing the question, and he talked me into it. 

He forced me into having sex. 

I lost my virginity that fateful afternoon.

At that point I was the only one who knew my secret. I felt all alone, and I started hating God. 

Because of growing up in church I had learned that God expected me to save myself for marriage.

I began to question, How could a God that expected me to save myself, put me in a situation where a boy would not hear my “no” as truly “no”; how could he just leave me there all alone? 

I’ll tell you how: God didn’t put me in that situation. I gave into the temptation from Satan. I look back now, and I know I was being a naive 15 year old girl, but that does not make what he did right either, but that does not mean I was asking for it, or that I deserved it. 

It also does not mean that I am dirty because of what happened to me. 

Sadly, the situation happened again. This time, Chris used the excuse “why can’t we do it again—we’ve already done it?” By this point. I was already hating myself and I didn’t understand what was going on with me, so he just let himself take over me. 

But finally I wised up and figured out this was not the boy I wanted to be sleeping with. I remember the day I broke up with him, I explained to him that he had raped me. He disagreed and I had to explain to him that, 'yes, because he forced me into having sex with him, he in fact had raped me.' At which point he fired back with “I should have poked a hole in the condom.” 

My Story-Part 1

Hello my dear, dear readers!

The time has come! The time we have all been waiting for...okay the time God has been waiting for. Here comes My Story!

Now it is 10 pages long, so I will be posting it in chunks over the next several days. I will not be signing off these posts, so please don't think I forgot! #warriorprincessKJ

Would you keep praying for me as I post these? This is me being obedient to God, and we all know Satan does not approve of that, so I could use prayers, lots of prayers. 

Alright, here we go...

Here is part one!

Raised in the Church, but not Saved.

Despite attending church, Sunday school, Bible camps, Vacation Bible School, and youth groups regularly throughout my childhood, I was never really saved. 

This is my story— God’s story of how He saved me and how I came to know Him. 

I was born to two loving parents on November 13. Eleven days later I experienced infant baptism. From that point on, I attended church and Sunday school regularly.  In third grade I went to a special Sunday School class to earn my first Bible. We went through every book of the Bible and talked about a specific verses in each book. However, I can not tell you about any of them.

In fifth grade, I went through first communion class and received my first communion. I still have my special first communion cup that I used that day, but I can’t tell you anything else about that day.  Until I truly understood what communion symbolized, it never really mattered.

There are two things I clearly remember about growing up in the church. One was in sixth grade. My Sunday school teacher asked my class how we thought our parents would react if we were to be put in Mary’s shoes and be blessed a virgin mother. I knew without a doubt, my parents would believe me and they would still love and accept me. I think I was the only one in class that thought that way, and my teacher questioned my thoughts. 

My second memory was from confirmation classes in eighth grade. This meant on Wednesday nights, I had to attend confirmation class or participate in youth group weekly. This was not something I choose to do. What really truly was the importance of it, I don’t think I’ll ever know. I’m sure it wasn’t to memorize that memory verse for one week in order to win those SPAM sunglasses that we all coveted. (Which I did in fact win, probably wore them once, and have no clue now where they are, or what verse I ‘memorized’ to win them.) Regardless, I took the classes and on  October 28, 2001, I was confirmed. I remember the date because the date is written in the Bible, my grandparents MorMor and Papa gave me— and this date would be come significant later in life too. 

Aside from these memories there’s not much else I can tell you about growing up in the church, but I can tell you by that point in my life, I was just going through the motions. I was living life the way my parents wanted me to, not that way I wanted to. I was doing what I had to do to get by.

So this happened...

Hey everyone!

Sorry it has been awhile since I've posted.

Something super awesome happened today....

I was BAPTIZED!!! but not only was I baptized, so was my husband, B, and our son, AB!!!!

As our pastor explains, Baptism is an outward sign of your decision to follow Christ. It does not make you a Christ follower, it just tells the world, that you have chosen that. He refers to his wedding ring, saying the ring does not make you married, it just tells the world you are taken.

While some people in my life, will not understand my desire to get baptized again, I felt that it was the thing to do, after walking away from Christ at 15. (That story is coming I promise! Waiting on 2 more readers then it goes public.)

I have since accepted Christ, and have been following him truly for 5 years. In April when our church was doing Baptism at Easter my heart strings were pulled, so when the possibility to be baptized came around again, I jumped at the chance!

It was a great day, and as I heard an older man tell a teenage that was in line ahead of me, "This will be the best day of your life, I promise you will not have a better day" I teared up. Its true, well my wedding day was pretty awesome, and the day EJ was born was fantastic...okay well that day wasn't but what came of it was.

Today...today marks the day I showed the world I'm truly a Child of Christ, A princess, who will continue to fight for her Savior!

#warriorprincessKJ
Here is Pastor Derwin Gray and myself before baptism.  The TC on our shirts stands for Transformation Church, the church that after next weekend, I will be a Member/Owner of, so fun! I seriously Love TC!!!!

Here is Me getting Baptized!

 Here is B getting baptized!

 And here is AB getting baptized, I love the look of Pride on B's face, and check out my hands...I'm so pumped!! Go AB!

Do things just come to you?

Hey! 

I was reading a post today on Facebook about September 11, 2001. 

The first thing that popped into my head about that day was the poem I wrote for the assembly at school. I hadn't thought about that in years!!!

I went searching the internet, because I knew I had posted it online at some point in my life. 

Guess what?!

I found it! And a bunch of others that I wrote back then. 

We were studying poetry in Communications class and I had to write poems. 

I went through a phase after that and wrote a few more poems. I've posted them over here. 

However, 

Here is the one I wrote for America

America

America, 50 states, 1 nation 
America, full of freedom 
America, struck my terrorism 
America, 50 states, 1 nation 
All Unite to fight terrorism 
America, full of pride, faith, hope, sorrow 
America, stong, hopeful we will recover 
America, freedom forever 
America, 50 states, 1 nation, all united 
Freedom forever!

I will never forget September 11, 2001, and how scared I felt. I knew no one at any of the sites that were attacked, but I felt like my world was falling apart. 

Looking back, I can see why I would have felt like my world was falling apart, my country that I love, had fallen under attack, and was headed to war. And I didn't truly know my Lord and Savior. 

If I would have died at that time, I would have gone to hell, I'm sure of it. 
I hadn't accepted Christ. I hadn't admitted to being a sinner and needing a savior. 

I am so thankful that now, no matter what, I know I'll be in heaven, because now, I know Him. 
I know He loves me and I love him. 

Do you know Him? See you there!
Would you like to know Him? Reach out to your local church, find a bible study, find someone who knows him and ask for help! You are LOVED! Please know that!

#warriorprincessKJ

Didn't we talk about this already?

You guys!

It was pointed out to me today that I have not been listening to my directions to write.

I've been hiding behind the fact that I wrote my story, but I can't post it yet, because I'm getting it edited.

I'm using that as a crutch, that I don't have to write, because the ball isn't in my court right now.

This really isn't okay.

How would I, as a parent, respond to my children who acted this way?

Not well I"m sure.

Why should God be any different?

Well, because he is the most loving, forgiving parent there is, but because he is sovereign he has made sure I know that I have been  in the wrong. However, he hasn't done it in a way to make me feel bad...he did it through a OBS sister, and her own ministry on writing. Nothing she said or did was directed at me, she didn't even know I'd be watching. God did. He knew I'd be there and he gave her the words to say to get to me. To get my attention.

I am here Lord. Use me, show me, your path for me. PLEASE!

Y'all...will you head over to my facebook page and leave a comment about what you would like me to write about? I'm struggling with topics. It would probably be easier to come up with them if my whole heart was in this writing thing, and it was something I wanted to do.

Don't get my wrong, I want to do it, because it is what The Lord wants from me. However, it is very hard for my imperfect, sinful by nature, human self to want to do it. I keep hearing satan tell me lies. Like: "you suck as a writer" " you shouldn't write, english was your worst class", "do you even know how to spell?" "you don't know where to put punctuation!" and the biggie "nobody cares about what you have to say"

I know someone out there cares about what I have to say, God has given me this task, and he cares.

So I'm reaching out to my loyal readers...help me with topics please?!

Signing off
#warriorprincessKJ

Listen, Would you?!

I got annoyed today.

Like really, really annoyed. (sorry for the valley girl impression)

My children would not listen.
I kept having to repeat myself, like every other normal day in my house.
However, today it really annoyed the crap out of me. I think it was because it was both of them on the same day at the same time.

It was lunch time, they wouldn't sit down. One was running off to play the piano, one wouldn't stop chasing the one running to play the piano. I just wanted them to sit down.

I was getting something out of the fridge when I said to myself under my breath "just one day, I just want one day when they both listen all day."

Then I heard as clear as day, "Me too KJ, me too." I swear it was God, telling me its time to start listening too.

I bet as tired as I get as a mom, God is the ultimate parent, think of all the kids he has to watch daily, it has to be exhausting being him. I mean I know he is like the ultimate superhero and probably never really gets tired, but it has to be hard to watch his kids turn away from him time and time again.

Take me for example I've been hearing him since October tell me its time to use my rape story for something good. Since April he has been telling me to write it. I finally this week finished it. 4 months later, and 10 months later since it all began.

I really didn't want to write it, and not really because I didn't want to go through it all again, more because I don't think writing is my thing. In fact I know writing is not my thing. If you've been following my blog for any time or just reading this post today, you can probably tell writing is not my thing!

I'm also a bit worried about the what happens next, what will come of my writing it out? Probably nothing, and I hate doing things for no reason, especially when its something I don't want to do in the first place.

Will you join me in prayer tonight about our listening skills?

Father,
I come to you tonight tired and cranky for my family does not hear me, but Lord, I know you do. Thank you for always listening, and being there. Thank you for letting me hear you today, and help me to continue to hear you louder than the world. Help me to Listen the first time and not the 10,000 time. Help me to be an example to my children of a listening person, a caring person, a less annoyed person. Help me to Love them and hear them the way you do.
Amen

#warriorprincessKJ

For those of you wondering about the status of my story, it is written. However it is being proofread by a few friends for me. I do have plans to post it, I'm just not sure when and how but it is coming.
Thank you for praying for me with this subject.

Home

Hey Readers! (Does my addressing you as my readers seem weird to you? I never know how to start off a post!)

So I typed this up and never posted it. Sorry this is from 2 weeks ago!

I just really have to tell you a story...

Since we moved in April to South Carolina, we've been attending Transformation Church. We went once, and were hooked, haven't looked back. 

Well, then our pastor went on a preaching sabbatical. We figured this would be a good time to maybe just look at other churches, a little closer to home. So after a few summer travels, we went to a different church last weekend. AB loved the kid's portion of it, but B and I we were a little hesitant, just didn't feel right to us. Nothing wrong with the church, in fact that message was great, and I loved being able to attend a smaller church with neighbors. People I knew!

However, I decided I would attend our normal church today. Walking in, I felt like I was coming home. Like I walked into a building that I truly belonged in. IT WAS AMAZING! It was also confirmed for me that I need look no more for another church. I will continue to make the drive and attended TC. 

As great as a feeling as that was, I can't help but think, how great it will be when I get to go to my real home, my home with God. 

I tried looking up a bible verse to quote, but I couldn't find one that spoke to my heart. 

I imagine going to heaven, walking into the gates, will feel like peace, I finally made it, this is where I belong, this is where my people are. 

I was nervous last weekend, but this weekend, I walked in and peace rushed over me, I think heaven will be like that, only 10 fold. 

Alright, so this was really random. As are my thoughts! I'm going to get them together and share more. 

Signing Off
#warriorprincessKJ

Life Verse

Good evening readers!
I'm working on trying to find my life verse.
The verse that speaks to my heart, that I can turn to in times of need. I've never had one but it was a Bible Study Skill a few weeks back over at #TheMendedHeart Study with Proverbs 31 Online Bible Studies.

So I figured I'd give it a try.

Only, its really hard to find just one verse that speaks to me.

It was suggested to figure out my needs and passions, and go from there.
Currently I'm needing direction from God. Direction as in where to go, but also how to get there. How to do what he wants from me. How to live the calling he is calling me to.

So I started searching direction (I also used knowledge and insight) on Biblegateway.com

Proverbs 3:5-6 came up: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

Psalm 119:66 also came up: "Teach me good judgement and knowledge for I believe in your commandments."

A few other verses that keep coming up in my life are:
Proverbs 16:3: "Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be established."
Psalm 46:10: "Be still, and know that I am God."
Psalm 37:5 "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act."
Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

I'm really leaning to the two Proverbs verses.
I like Proverbs 3:5-6 as I am struggling with my understanding of His calling for me. I don't understand why HE would call me to write?! How is this a good idea?!  So maybe I need to just let go and lean on Him. He will set my path right.

I like Proverbs 16:3 because if I just commit to do what he wants, he will establish my plans, right?

I think I'll try out Proverbs 16:3 for the next few weeks and see what happens. Its shorter. And the only way I can commit my work to the Lord is if I lean on his understanding (from 3:5). Both end in my path being established or straightened for me.

Thanks for working through that with me dear readers.

 Do you have a life verse? Would you share it with me in the comment section?

 ~*Signing Off*~
#warriorprincessKJ

Refreshing

Whenever we go out to eat I order a water with a lemon. Now, I know, some people have fears of the fruit at restaurants, but I like lemon water so I go with it. The other night, we went out to a cute little Mexican restaurant and I ordered a water with lemon. Sadly, they only had lime. So I had water with lime. Not as refreshing I tell you. Also, I'm very, very picky about the taste of my water, so it was not good and I did not drink it.

Therefore when we got home after eating dinner and going out for ice cream. I was super duper thirsty. I feel like I ran to the fridge, but I probably put some kids to bed first and did everything else that everyone needed first. The only thing I really remember was how refreshing that big tall glass of ice cold water was. I can't even truly remember the taste of my dinner or ice cream, but that glass of water will always be on my mind.

Then it hit me...That's what Jesus is to us. He is that big tall refreshing glass of water. With him we never have to thirst again. That's what he said.

Let me start from the beginning...remember a few weeks back when I posted about writing my story? Jesus, keeps telling me it is time to write. He keeps putting things in my way until I write. That is why I've moved the blog over here, as it will be easier to use, and easier to may be actually do. So I've been fighting this idea until last week, I finally accepted it. This is what He wants from me. He wants to use me as a 'writer'. Since I'm not to sure how or why, I'm starting with a blog and seeing where it goes. So I'm enjoying life and my glass of water when all of a sudden it hits me..."He is my water. KJ, here is your next piece." Seriously I couldn't wait to share with B what had just happened. It was like God spoke just to me, and I actually heard and listened!

So tonight, I've been pondering on this subject for a few days, and I sat down to look at bible gateway, knowing there was verses in the bible about Jesus being the Living water. So I typed in Water...and what do you know would be the suggested verse first. John 4:14 ~ "But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

This life makes me thirst. I thirst for a better outcome, a more sun-shiny place. I thirst for rest. I thirst for what I can have in heaven with Christ. However, because I know him, and I am his, I won't have to thirst forever, there will be a day when he comes again or I end up with him in eternity, and I won't be thirsty anymore. For now, I get to enjoy my memory of Friday night and how refreshing that water cup was, because that is how refreshing everything is in Him, the one who died for me.

Signing Off
#warriorprincessKJ

Happy Birthday America!

What a fantastic day!

I started the day out early preparing for the neighborhood 4th of July bash. The day was spent with the 'bike' parade, food prep, water slides, water table, swimming pool. Enjoying the company of our new neighbors. Then we watched an amazing 35-45 minute fireworks show, right from our driveway. (Alright, I went to the neighbors driveway, but really I could have seen them from mine.) I love that I didn't have to FIND something for us to do this year, in a new city. Everything we wanted to do was right here, in our own 'backyard'.

I chatted with a few of the guy neighbors tonight, and got to talk about The Lord. I love talking about the Lord. I love hearing how people have come to know Him, and how he is really all around us down here. It's so fun.

I did have an ah-ha moment tonight though. For the first time, I think in forever, I had tears rolling down my face as I prayed out loud with my kids. Usually we just say our night time prayers and move on. Usually we just talk about the day, and I let the kids control the prayer time. Tonight however, I chose to do it. I did give them a chance to pray as well, but it is just so amazing that we get to celebrate America's freedom once a year, but truly I can celebrate my freedom in Christ everyday! How cool is that? I'm also so blessed that I get to speak about God so openly and not have to fear for my life.

I heard a saying once, only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you: Jesus Christ and The American Soldier. One did for your soul, the other for your freedom. On a day like today we get to celebrate both, but really shouldn't we be celebrating and thanking them everyday?

I leave you tonight with this:

Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God's slaves. Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, few God, honor the emperor.
1 Peter 2:13-17


~*Signing Off*~
#warriorprincessKJ

Where ya been, yo?

Happy Friday Readers! How the heck are ya? Can you believe its been over a month since I last posted? Sorry about that! The days just got away from me! The end of school came and went. We went back to Ohio for a quick visit, came back to SC for a few days then headed to Minnesota for a wedding. We are now home for a few weeks before our next trip away.  

Do you remember back in May, I was doing #WalkInFaith with #P31OBS?  Do you remember I appiled to voluneeter with them? Do you remember me asking you to pray for me? ~*Drum Roll please*~ Well since then! I was accepted into a Small group leader roll with Proverbs 31 Online bible studies. I "attended" a boot camp training session, and have just finished my first week leading a group for the new study #TheMendedHeart. Readers, it has been an amazing first week. I am seeing God truly work in me. 

Wednesday's post was for Bible Study SKills (See it Here) it was about doing a word study. 

Okay wait, this story only gets better if I tell you about my day on Wednesday before I got into my study time. I've been struggling lately, with serving my family. You know, doing all the things everyday that a mom and wife has to do in order for the family to survive. All those things that go unnoticed, unappreciated; Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. So with this struggle I've gotten a little lax in actually doing those things, making it worse to do them, making it hard to get up some times because well I'm exhausted, and I don't want to see the messes around my house. But on Wednesday I got up, at the butt crack of dawn, alright it wasn't that early but still I could have stayed in bed because B was home and he can handle things with A if he needs to and E was still sleeping. But I didn't, I got up to help B get things ready to take A to hockey camp. Packed A's lunch, made A's breakfast, etc. Well, after doing the stuff I needed to, I came upstairs and noticed A had not made his bed, so I told B to have him do that if there was time. Well, this basically meant the world was ending, A was so royally upset that I made him make his bed and pick up his clothes off the floor, that he went on to swearing and complaining about ME for over 40 minutes. Basically, I ruined his life. 

B gets home from dropping A off and asks me what happened while he was in the garage packing A's hockey bag, he goes on to explain how upset A really was and asks me for the lowdown.The day goes on, after Lunch I choose to spend E's nap time doing the word study skill suggest in the #P31OBS blog from that day. Having never done one of these I was very excited. I got out my Strong's Concordance: 

​

 I opened up to the word "Grace" and noticed that holy cow there really is alot of times that its used in the bible. (around 170!) So no I wasn't going to do that many, but I did do the 7 as suggested by the outline I was given. 

So I closed my eyes, and said a little prayer: "Lord, show me what you want me to learn today" and pointed blindly. 

​

First: Define the Word Grace: 

Grace is undeserved acceptance and love received from another. This spoke to my heart that day as: they don't deserve it but love and accpet them anyway. 

The seven verses I picked out were: 

* Acts 14:26: and from there they saild to Antioch, where they had been commended to the grace of God the work that they had fulfilled. 

*James 4:16:As it is, you boast in your arrogance.  All such boasting is evil.

* 2 Corinthians 8:6: Accordingly, we urged Titus that as he had started, so he should complete among you this act of grace. 

* 1 Thessalonians 5:28: The grace of our Lord Juses Christ be with you. 

*Zechariah 4:7:Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you shall become a plain. And he shall bring gorward the top stone amid shouts of "Grace, Grace to it."

*Romans 11:6:But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace

*2 Corinthians 8:19: And not only that, but he has been appointed by the churches to travel with us as we carry out this act of grace that is being ministered by us, for the glory of the Lord himself and to show our good will. 

So after reading each verse I was to ask questions of it. Here are my notes: 

*given grace for missionary work completed. 

*God opposes the proud, gives grace to the humble

*titus-gave himself to the Lord-turn good intentions into actions

*Grace of Jesus Christ be with me-grace is beginning to end. 

*"temple" bringing shouts of Grace

*God's grace is free not given by works

*Serve others. 

What I concluded: Show grace to others by serving them, not because they earn it, but because they NEED it. God's grace is there from start to finish. 

Basically the message I got in my heart was "suck it up buttercup" and serve your family for HIM, show them the Grace of God not because they did something to earn it but because that is what HE would do. I keep praying show me them through your eyes Lord, let me love them like you do. 

It was a big eye opening day for me and, well, I loved it!

This whole week, I have really been feeling God moving in me. He is totally working on me. This study is going to be amazing, if you still want to join you can, you have time! Head over to proverbs31.org for more details, or shoot me an email. 

In Him. 

Signing Off

#WarriorPrincessKJ