Moved.

Come visit me on my new page!

https://warriorprincesskj.wordpress.com

Love.

Today was my Mormor's birthday. It was the first one we've had since she went to heaven.

It is pretty neat to think about the party in heaven. However, I wonder if there really was one today? Like do your birthdays still matter when you are in the presence of your LORD? I guess we will never know. Well, until we are there.

It was a hard day. It was a weird day.

Mormor hasn't been on mind as much lately, as in the past. I hate to say that. I miss her daily. I want to pick up the phone and call her weekly, but it doesn't hurt as much I guess.

Today though, it was weird. Not being able to call her and sing happy birthday was tough.

It was also kind of an odd day, as one of the bible studies I'm participating in is studying Romans. And today was talking about Love.

I feel as though most of her life Mormor didn't have to learn how to love. She was always so bright and shining, and wanted everyone to know how loved they were, by her and by Jesus.

She ended every phone call with me by saying I love you, God Bless and Jesus loves you.

Today I learned I need to love better.

I wish she was here to help me learn that. One thing I know is she read her bible daily, and while I like to talk about my Lord, and I like to bring things back to Him. I have let my personal time slip away, my time with the Him and His Book. The story of love. Its like we say at church...we need to learn to love God completely and ourselves correctly so we can love others compassionately. \

My prayer tonight, is that I would be able to stick up for me. Stick up for my personal time. My time with my bible and my Lord. So I can learn to love others through His eyes and not my own.


~*Signing Off*~
KJ

Parenting....advice?

No. I am not an expert.

No. I am not actually going to give advice...because I am not on the other side yet, I haven't finished parenting, I can not give advice.

However, I am going to share a few things I'm trying around here...in hopes to gain some prayers that it works!

The other day one of my children had the nerve to tell me they weren't going to unload the dishwasher because "they are the only one who does it"

Okay. The other day was yesterday. Monday. and it was the Mondayist Monday I've had in a while, and I feel I have to set the stage for how my Monday was for you to understand why this comment..almost had me walking out the door.

It started at the dentist trying to get my crown on for the third time...yes you read about that back in Feb. I've been dealing with this tooth problem since then. So anyway mid procedure at the dentist, the fire alarm goes off. "You've got to be kidding me" I say with the dental assistant's hand in my mouth. We figure out its not a drill and we have to evacuate. There is smoke in the hallway. I had AB with me, and my only thought was get him out...especially after I saw the smoke. Well its 50 degrees outside so I send him to the car as you know he is in shorts, teeshirt and sandals...because its 50 degrees. (Thanks to Greer at the dentist office for going back and getting my purse.) Oh by the way this was mid procedure so I had a crown just sitting on my tooth and a cotton in my mouth holding it there as we wait for firefighters to clear the building. They finally do and we get to go back in...and my crown fits! Perfect this time! (I feel this goes back to the idea of God giving us a crown...we have to go through some stuff that isn't so fun before we get our crown of Jewels from the master himself.)

Then AB and I get back home and start working on finishing his schoolwork for the day. Up until this point, he had worked really well and gotten most of the things done...he had not even half a lesson left...when he lost it or rather we lost it. He didn't understand something, and he immediately gets angry. This is something I'm starting to notice as we are homeschooling, thankfully we are together going through this learning process. Anyway, a fight between us starts, because well, we are both stubborn and want our own ways. #workinprogress Thankfully we worked through it and finished the lesson. :)

We head off to hockey, EJ falls asleep in the car...at 5 in the afternoon...not usually a good thing, but first day back from spring break to preschool so I figure she is just tired. We get to hockey. I get her walked in to the rink, we sit down to snuggle, and I can't even get her settled in my lap when she vomits all over me. Okay, well thankfully post of it was into my hand, but I still got it on my sweater and my shirt so I couldn't really cover it up...it was awful the whole 2 hours we were at the rink...

Then said child makes the comment....I'm the only one who does it so I'm not going to. WHAT?!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY THINGS MOM DOES THAT NO ONE ELSE DOES?! Ohh..man I thought about leaving, like getting in the car and going, walking out the door, I'm done. See how well y'all can get along with out mom doing the things that only mom does. But I didn't...because...love. I love them and I couldn't leave them. Just thought about it...

But it did also change something in me...I've been busting my bottom around here lately just trying to stay a float. This isn't happening anymore. Momma needs help. So welcome in the chore station!

I'm not quite happy with the way it looks...and EJ won't really be able to see hers, So I'll have to be moving her's back and forth. BUT at least mom and dad can see it and be reminded to put the tickets in the jars. The kids will earn tickets for daily activities and chores. Those tickets can be redeemed for screen time or money. I'm getting tired of just letting them get what they want when they want it so they can start earning some cash and using that to buy the wants...not the needs. The middle sign is the parent's rights...basically states we can give or take away tickets based on behavior. We start tomorrow. Pray for us please. 

Temporary Crown

This is most likely going to be a quick post.

I had some teeth work done yesterday and it got me thinking.

When I was younger I had some giant metal filling put in to the teeth in the back of my mouth.

Just like these...see how large they are? 

They take up almost the whole tooth. 

Anyway I've been going through getting the metal fillings taken out of my mouth, as studies have shown that these metal fillings will expand and crack teeth. So I've been having to go to the dentist to get the bad stuff taken out. Yesterday it was determined that my fillings had actually cracked, and my teeth had decayed underneath them...so it was a lot of drilling getting the bad stuff out of there. 

Then a temporary crown was put on my teeth until I can get my permanent crowns. 

This is where I got to thinking...

Here are my temporary crowns...

Just like the dentist had to remove the bad stuff, Jesus came to cover my sins, my bad stuff. 

Just like my temporary crown, accepting Jesus into my life, while not temporary, is my coverage, to keep the bad stuff out while here on earth. 

In two weeks, I'll go back to the dentist to get my permanent crown....just like when I get to Heaven, I will get my permanent crown. 

Here is a photo of my with face my face numbed up, 

trying to smile about this thought...

I don't know maybe you think its a stretch to compare Jesus and his work on the cross to the dental work done in my mouth, and thats okay. If every time I have a pain in my mouth, I'm reminded about Jesus and his work on the Cross because I can associated my temporary crowns to His work, then I'm okay with that. 

Trying to Process

This is going to be a post where I just let my thoughts flow, I'm not going to edit, I'm not going to stop and rearrange, I'm just going to go. I need to process life since my Grandma died. 

MorMor has been gone over a month now. I still find myself reaching for speed dial to call her room and just hear her.

For some reason today she is all I can think about it. I am so thankful I was able to be with her during those last breaths and her last week on earth. God worked out my entire schedule for the week so I could drop everything and be there.

I got the call on a Monday, I was home on Tuesday. I walked in her room and she mumbled my name, and asked plain as day where my daughter was. She wanted to see the baby. I promised to bring her by the next day then I sat and read to her. I read to her the Book of Ruth from her bible and then I read to her Psalm 23.

The next day when the Pastor came, we spent some time praying with MorMor. We prayed the prayer that Grandma always prayed and taught me to pray when times were hard.

"Our Father, who art in heaven, hollowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not in to temptation but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom, the power and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

As we prayed that prayer, MorMor made noises right along with us, like she was trying to pray with us.

The first few weeks were so hard. The only thing that pulled me through was knowing that I get to see her again. MorMor taught us that a relationship with Jesus Christ is the only thing that will get you through. Having that relationship is how I know my dear MorMor is in heaven with God, and I will get to see her again. I am so thankful that I have that to lean on.

As I sat with her one day I turned on her CD player and we just listened. The Old Rugged cross came on. I just kept thinking that day...that MorMor was going to get to turn her cross in for a crown so soon. 

Holding hands with her and the family that was with me while she took her last breath and her soul left this earth was the most peaceful thing I have ever seen. She just fell asleep and went to be with God, she went and Got her crown. I imagine her up there helping prepare a place for the rest of us, working hard, because she enjoyed doing things for others. But I also know she is getting her rest that she so deserves. She fought so hard for so long.

I've had a few moments happen since she past that I know without a doubt she is WITH me and I know that I now have the best guardian angel ever, but I miss her so much.

My earthly human self hates that she is gone, but my Jesus loving heart knows she is with Him and I will get to see her again, while it doesn't make the pain of loss less it brings me hope knowing there is an 'again' on the horizon. I have the chance to see her again, the chance to hold her again and the chance to just be with her again. Thanks to my hope in Jesus Christ.

Like I said this was just going to be my rambles as I start processing the emotions from the last month. 

~*signing off*~ 

#warriorprincessKJ

#prayingforearth

I don't watch the news.
I don't like sitting down to watch tv and having my world rocked.
I just don't.

Therefore, I get most of my news from social media.
I know...terrible.

I know things are going on in this world.

I know there is a gas shortage due to a pipeline break (from what I'm seeing on Facebook...a lot of people didn't know that)

I know there was a gunman up in St. Cloud Minnesota this weekend. (Where I did my internship portion of my degree)

I know there was a bombing in NYC this weekend.

I know there was a shooting between a white cop and a black man in Charlotte last night.

I know there was a protest regarding this.

I know the world is hurting.

I know we need to be praying.

Not for St. Cloud, not for NYC, not for Charlotte. We need to be praying for earth. For the world.

However, I'm only praying now for HIS KINGDOM to come. I'm tired of hurt, and darkness and evil. I'm ready for HIS kingdom to come to earth, for HIS will to be done on earth. For the hurt to go away for a world of light forever and ever.

I know we need Jesus.

We just do.

You Are Seen

Tomorrow will be a happy day for a lot of women in America. (I'm not sure if other countries celebrate Mother's Day or not. I don't know...)

However, there are some women out there whose hearts will break tomorrow. I know, because I was once one of them.

Four years ago my husband and I decided we were going to try grow our family, with no luck.

Four years ago, I watched 19 friends announce pregnancies on Facebook within weeks of each other.

Four years ago, I thought I was pregnant, only to find out that while it had happened, the egg did not stick and no, I truly wasn't pregnant, I just tested too early.

Four years ago, I learned I had PCOS on top of my already diagnosed stage four endometriosis.

Four years ago, I doubted I would ever be able to have a child of my own.

Four years ago, I sat in the back of a full church on Mother's Day listening to a sermon on Mothers.

Four years ago, I walked out of that sanctuary to go cry, because I was not going to have my own child and I could not handle all the emotions going on in me.

Four years ago, I learned just how hard Mother's Day can be.

I want you to know....You are Seen. I see you. GOD sees you hurting. He knows your hurts and your desires. He knows your plans, but his are greater.

I really don't know what else to say to you other than you are SEEN, and LOVED. That is what is pressing on my heart right now.

You may not be a Mother but

*You may be a Step-Mom raising a Child you loves you dearly and you are inspiring them and YOU ARE SEEN
*You may not be speaking to your child, or your child may not be speaking to you but YOU ARE SEEN
*You may be an aunt who influences your nieces and nephews and YOU ARE SEEN
*You may be a servant leader inspiring children and YOU ARE SEEN
*You may be a Friend inspiring someone and YOU ARE SEEN
*You may want nothing more than to feel the movement of a baby in your belly and tomorrow will be hard for you because you do not have that....but KNOW YOU ARE SEEN You are heard and you are LOVED!

On that note to all my reader's I wish you a Happy Mother's Day because not all mom give birth, so if you are touching the life of someone, you deserve to be wished a Happy Mother's Day, too. 

~*Signing Off*~
#warriorprincessKJ

Bathrooms....

Yes, Ladies and Gents, The bathroom you use in a public place has become a topic of great discussion in 2016.

Now, I need to be up front with you all and say that I don't know much about why this has become a debate. I was out of town when it went down in Charlotte.

What I know:
Voters in NC passed a law for transgender bathroom usage.
Government in NC said they don't have to follow what the voters said.
The world is now in an uproar.

I also need to say I don't know much about transgender people and how they come to be...other than that God made them, put them in someone's belly, and they showed up in the world. I mean I have kids...I do know that much ;)

So here is what else I know....

I was a victim of rape.

If I saw a man, or what I would presume to be a man based on looks, follow me into a bathroom, I would probably go in to a great big panic attack.

I would not feel safe.

Now I know what you are thinking "s/he wouldn't rape you" but how do I really know that? How do I really know that something awful won't happen to me in any public bathroom?

Well I know my friend Jesus, is watching out for me. I know he was watching out for me the day I was raped as well. However, I know I am human, and I know that because I am human, I some times experience fear and worry. I know I would be okay with transgender bathrooms.

Why can't they just have single stall bathrooms that just say restroom and anyone use them...no labels?

The other thing that bothers me about this whole thing, is that, while I know I would be uncomfortable in a transgender bathroom, I do not agree with the government saying they didn't have to listen to the voters.

I'm sure there was more in the bill then just the bathroom thing, because thats how bills work, and as I said before I don't know much about this whole situation.

But I am tired of hearing about it.
I am tired of thinking about what I would feel like being a 'guy' follow me into the bathroom.
I'm also tired of the world making a big deal about it, and the fact that prince died.

I know....#rampage is happening. I'm sore and cranky! I understand a famous guy passed away, and I know the world will miss his music...but seriously...thats all we have to talk about? The artist formally known as Prince passing, and bathrooms?!

*rant over*

~*Signing off*~
#warriorprincessKJ

accountability

Good afternoon,

Something happened at Teens last night, that I just have to share.

We are working through a series at church called "Hope Dealers". Its been an amazing series, where are you finding your hope, how to share your hope in Jesus with others, etc.

Well, yesterdays topic was on our identity and how we need to find our hope in who we are with Christ. However, what does that look like for a teen was the topic, etc. Now I know I'm not a teen...but I was really struck by a few of the questions, and at the end, we discussed what sins are holding us back from living the life Jesus created for us.

It was put on my heart yesterday my disobedience towards writing.

So when asked to write down that sin that is holding us back, I wrote down disobedience.

I decided to give it over to The Lord, because it is only through His power that I am able to write, that I am able to give up being disobedient.

I'm asking you, my readers, to help me out with this. I'm telling you straight up that I need help. I am very disobedient when it comes to writing. I don't understand the calling. It scares the living right out of me. It FREAKS ME OUT, almost as much as spiders! However, I realized last time I wrote, that since I'm feeling called to write, and writing about what is on my heart, I'm learning to heal from things. This will be better for me then for anyone else if I just give up my control and do as I'm told.

Seriously, don't we wish that of our children at times? Like, NO just do it my way...please I'm begging you! So here I am trying to do it HIS way instead of mine.

Could you call me out if you don't see me writing enough? Maybe throw a topic or 2 at me....;)

What is enough? If you don't see 1-2 posts a week...then I'm not writing enough, deal?

I know I tried to do the whole #write365 thing, but I was like nah, I don't have to do that. I quit.

SO lets try this again....1-2 posts a week for the future. Okay? No post all week..CALL ME OUT! Check in with me, whatever you must do to make sure I'm not falling into my trap of disobedience?

Thank you in advance!!!

~*Signing off*~
#warriorprincessKJ

Raw thoughts, no plan.

Hello lovely readers,

Sorry I've been away for so long. I've had a few moments of "I should blog this" or "i'm feeling ready to write" yet I've avoided it. Found other things to do, other uses of my time.

Today though, I just really feel the need to share my failure.

I've been attending a bootcamp now for almost 2 months. We've started this challenge, and 2 times a week, we have work out challenges we have to do. Knowing that today's challenges included pull ups and push-ups. I struggled to get out of bed.

I struggled to get moving this morning.
I struggled to get in the door.

I made it.
I got up, got EJ to preschool and went to camp. Got on the floor, did the warm up. Got assigned the pull-ups in the first station.

Great.

Pull-ups.

I knew this was coming. I asked my husband last week, if I can just get one pull up out, "will you be proud of me?" I wanted to hear a flat out 'yes, but I'm already proud of you for what you've accomplished.' My husband is a man of few words. I'm realizing right now, as I type this, because I never sit down prepared to write a certain thing, I just let the words come out. I've been trying to get his approval, he appreciation, I want to know he is proud of me. I want him to tell me that, without me prompting him.

Well, I got up on the box step, knowing it wasn't worth trying it unassisted, I went straight to the blue band. The last option, the tool that is suppose to make it the easiest.

Arms up.
and GO! Up....no, I went down, and could not pull up! Not even an inch.

I tried again. Down I went.

Finally reached out to the trainer and was told if I couldn't do one, then I could do these type that lay down sort of and that would work.

So I failed. I failed my dream of doing ONE pull up.

I didn't give up on that dream, it will happen, but it might be months.

I cried, I let evil thoughts in my heads.

I went through the rest of the upper body protocol, and got back to station one...the pull-ups.

Guess what, I didn't go straight back to the TRX bands, I went back up to the box. I was determined to try it again.

I tried it again...two more times, and I failed. I had to come to the realization that, I was not going to do a pull up today. I don't believe I quit, and I don't believe I gave up. I went back to the TRX bands and knocked out 15 modified pull ups.

Getting 1 pull up in today, would not have changed my life. My husband probably would not have told me he was proud of me. He just doesn't do those things. It doesn't change who I am. I am still KJ, child of the King.

My Father, is still proud of me, He loves me with or without a push up. In fact, he knows the EXACT date I will finally get that pull up in. How cool is that?!

I was searching for approval in the wrong place, and that has come to a head...right now. The only approval I need, I have. Because Its not about what I achieve its about what I receive. The day I accepted Christ I received his LOVE and APPROVAL every day, no matter what.

I failed today, but I learned today.
I will fail at something tomorrow, hopefully I will learn again.
One day I will get that pull up in, and if I don't...well at least I can full back on my push ups ;) (162 in 10 minutes for those of you wondering)

Thanks for working through my emotions with me.

Signing off
#warriorprincessKJ

Changes....

So I've made some changes this week....

I walked into a bootcamp my friend recommended with the intentions of just checking it out...an hour later I was walking out having signed up for the trial and all sweaty....good think my normal every day clothes double as workout clothes.

While I'm at bootcamp I struggle....a lot. 

I hate that, I hate to struggle, I usually only do things that I'm good at and that don't hurt. 

As much as I hate the struggle and the pain...I absolutely love this place!!! Its a place I feel comfortable at, a place where I feel I fit in. I knew one person when I went, one time. Other than that, its been me...meeting new people, all with a common goal to get healthy. 

Sure we are all at different skill levels. I can not hold a plank for more than 10 seconds...but others can hold a plank with weights on their backs, for Minutes!!! Sure they can hold their wall sits...and I cry through trying to hold mine for 3 seconds.....However, we are all accepted and encouraged and there for one another.

Sure, I don't know their names. I'm sure I'll learn them all some day. However, bonds are forming right there on that mat, with the sticky sweaty, KJ and it's pretty awesome.

The other pretty awesome thing....3 days in....I actually still have energy...I'm not dying at 5:30 on Friday night. I've even ran after my 2 year old tonight!!! What the what?!

Between the working out and the diet change...I'm positive that is what is causing my energy changes :)

Can't wait to see what the next 3 days do ;)

Signing off

#warriorprincessKJ

Day 4

I'm just letting you all know I started day 4...got distracted and it took a turn for the worse.

I'm saving it, just not publishing it.


Thanks Dear Readers.


not feeling like
#warriorPrincessKJ at all.

Night.

Day 3

I don't have a lot to say today as its late. I just wanted to share my other #write365 goal for myself. I found this scripture writing plan http://www.swtblessings.com/2015/12/january-scripture-writing-plan.html?m=1 and have decided I'm going to do this as a part of my writing. It won't always coordinate and I won't always be able to do them both. However I plan to stay on schedule! I missed yesterday so I did two days today,etc.

If you'll notice on the photo some circles words. Those are what I've gotten from that verse. My key words. Before I sat down todo it tonight, I was just thinking about doing and the thought "your word of the year is love" came to mind. Did you read yesterday's post? I admit I need to learn to love better so I went with it. Then I started writing out Jan 2 scripture and the first sentence included steadfast love...coincidence? I think not.

Will you pray with me that I can learn to love those in my life with a steadfast love just like God loves me??!?! 

~*Signing Off*~

#warriorprincessKJ

#write365

#love2016

Day 2

Honestly....nothing comes to mind, other than "I need to write today"

Just read my daily verse from You Version, my bible app.

It's 1 Corinthians 13: 2

The Message Version:

"If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump" and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing."

Kind of fitting after yesterday.

I did not love well yesterday.

AB really truly annoyed me yesterday and instead of holding on to that boy for dear life and letting him know that no matter what he says and does to me, I will always love him, I yelled.

I got angry. I got rude. I sunk to his level.

Come to think of it, I did not love that much better today, either.

There are few people in my life who really annoy me, and instead of loving them, I've allowed myself to be judgmental of them, and rag on the them, and gossip about them.

Instead of praying for them, and my feelings towards them. I've allowed myself to be no better than them. Their actions are immature and rude, but so are mine.

How is that Christ like love?

It's NOT.

Praying I can learn to have love...but more importantly to have love to give away to others.

~*Signing Off*~
#warriorprincessKJ
#write365

Day 1

Hello lovely readers!

I hope you had an amazing Christmas, and I would like to wish you all an amazing New Year!!!

I'm really struggling with what to write about these days, but since I started this challenge I'm going to see what comes.

Currently I'm watching my 10 year old son, 'clean' his room. I really don't understand how it is so hard for one person to do the one task at hand.

Do you think that's what God wonders too?

"KJ, I've told you since April...1000 times, to write, to tell people your story, why is it so hard for you to do? Why aren't you doing it yet?"

I'm sure that is why HE puts these thoughts in my head right?

Thankfully for me, God has more patience then my human self. If God hounded me and YELLED at me the way I've been on AB all day to get his job done, I'm sure I would be in a way different spot.

I'm also not jumping all over the room getting distracted by every little thing, but is the laundry or the dishes, or that tv show, really more important than being obedient?

So...Here is to the next 365 days :)

We got this right?!

#wrtie365
~*Signing off*~

#warriorprincessKJ

Challenge Accepted

So yesterday, while surfing Facebook, posts kept coming up on my page about a 365 day writing challenge one of my friends was going to start. I kept scrolling by, trying to ignore it. TRYING...very hard to ignore it. 

We all know Our Lord, will not let us ignore something he has designed for US....so after seeing these posts about 30 times...I accepted the challenge. 

I'm telling you all right now, that I've accepted a challenge to write for 365 days. 

I'm not sure how well this will go, but I'm going to try it. 

I'm going to struggle, I'm going to fight, I'm going to kick and scream, I'm going to hate it. 

but I'm going to listen. 

I'm going to become a better writer. 

I'm going to do this for my Lord and Savior, I guess its the least I can do right?

I hope you all enjoyed His Birthday. 

Wishing you a blessed New Year. 

~*Signing off*~

#warriorprincessKJ

#write365

"Its Broken"

For those of you who I've actually talked about this blog with, you understand where I've been. You know I've been hiding. I've been avoiding this blog like the plaque...I hate it. I'm truly sorry to say I hate writing.

This is not something that I have EVER wanted to do! I'm not a writer I'm a numbers girl...let's do some long division....please, just not with that area model stuff because that is just a waste of time!

Well I'm sitting up tonight with my daughter who has no desire to sit down and relax, she would rather go go go go go. So instead of forcing her to go to sleep, we tried letting her cry it out tonight...but after 45 minutes of constant screaming, we chose to let her get up. So here I am at 12:30 still up and trying hard to stay that way until my little one crashes.

So I was trying to come up with something to waste my time on...I've been on Facebook for awhile, I was on my Jamberry site for a bit, but I've ran out of goofing off to do...so I had this heart nudge to write, but write about what?? I had no idea. I still truly don't!

However a few weeks ago, during my session with my therapist, we got to talk about my blog and my writing. We came up with a plan, and part of that plan was #RestoredNotBroken.

So here I am trying to figure out if I can find something to do instead of head over here to the blog, when my daughter hands me her toy ice cream come and says "its broken".

So I fixed it and all has been Restored. #RestoredNotBroken...

What is this new hashtag all about??

It all started with a necklace, A broken necklace that I should have returned.....

This necklace was bought, and when I brought it home and took it out to wear it the next day...I noticed a stone missing. So said necklace sat in the bag waiting to be returned for a month.

One day I noticed the bag, and thought I would go return it that day, however, as I reached for that bag to go. I heard a voice...clear as day..."Kyla, do not return that necklace it is broken, just like you were, and I have accepted you anyway" No one was home with me....It could truly have only come from one place. My God. I also heard "wear it and remember what I've done for you"

I quite frequently will wear my broken necklace, and while it is #Broken it as been #Restored in that I have accepted it how it is and it is mine.

Just like My God did for me. I was a #broken person...a truly #Broken person, when God accepted me for who I was. Actually he accepted me before I was #Broken, before I was alive, before I was a thought on anyone's radar...he accepted me the night HIS ONLY SON DIED ON THE CROSS FOR ME.

He Restored my broken self with his Unbroken self.

So I've set out on a new journey...I will take photos of broken things. See if it makes my writing come to me. So far the only broken thing I have photographed is the dark entryway...because well the light bulb went out..so its #Broken. Some day it will be #RestoredNotBroken and then...like when God #Restores, the light will take over the darkness and life will be easier in that small spot in my world.

I'm going to try #Restore bedtime in this house...I'm exhausted. I hope this makes sense...I'm not sleeping well to begin with and just letting my thoughts run here...sorry RAW #WarriorPrincessKJ is what you got tonight!

~*Signing Off*~
#warriorprincessKJ

Sorry.

For those of you who have been worrying about me...I'm still alive!

I'm sorry I've seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. I've been processing things.

Lots of things.

I was just looking on facebook and saw this post by Natalie Grant regarding her song "Clean"

I've spent hours today, reading every single comment about my song "Clean". Tears have streamed down my face and I've...
Posted by Natalie Grant on Monday, October 26, 2015

I was reading the last line: There's NOTHING too dirty that HE can't make worthy. He is the King of the world and His grace does not have an expiration date.

That basically sums up for me how my thoughts about myself changed on October 18, 2014

I had been seeing myself as dirty for 13 years, unworthy of basically anything good. Then I realized, that no. God has MADE me worthy, he has made me clean. I can't wait to buy this album by Natalie Grant and listen to you daily to be reminded that He Made Me Whole, Clean and Worthy again. 

The only person that can do that is God himself, no person on earth can fill those voids. 

I got to thinking then, that maybe someone out there in my blog world is feeling unworthy, unclean, and unwanted tonight. 

I want you to know that you are WANTED! and the one that wants you can make you WORTHY and CLEAN and WHOLE! All you have to do is trust in him. 

His Name is Jesus Christ, he wanted you so much he died for you! 

Do you know anyone that loves and wants you so much they would truly do that for you? Any human being? I can honestly tell you I don't think my husband even loves me that much.

I'll leave you with that. 

~*Signing off*~
#warriorprincessKJ

Thank You

I've been wanting to reach out to all my readers and just say a big

THANK YOU!

So many of you reached out this past week and let me know you were reading, and that you care. I am very thankful for that. I hope my story touched you in some way. I hope it didn't make you feel sorry for me, I hope it just helped you learn a little more about me, and my loving savior Jesus Christ. 

I also need to say thank you to the ladies who helped me edit my story. You were all amazing! You had such great insight and were so supportive. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

I don't normally edit my blog entries but because of the importance of this one I wanted guidance, and you wonderful friends gave me that. 

This story wasn't hard to write, write it correctly with correct grammar and punctuation that was hard.  It was hard to put out there, it was hard to think people would actually read it and care. It was a hard task to listen to God in that aspect of it. However, after MONTHS of fighting with him, I finally listened. I put myself out there for the world to see, and so far I've only been blessed by it. 

God is faithful, and his Love endures forever, of coarse he would make sure I was blessed through doing something HE wanted me to do. 

"The steadfast love of the Lord never cease, his mercies never come to an ed; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV

Now I ask  Pray..What's next God? Where are you leading me? What are we going to do next?

I'm looking forward to the next step with God, and knowing I have told my story, I'm not lying anymore. I'm not hiding part of me from my family and friends. 

I am me.

A fighter for God's army. 

A child of a King.

#warriorprincesssKJ

For those of you who would like to read my story again or would like to share it with someone, you will find it over to the left. Under the Page title Church goer to rape victim to Child of the King!  Please if you know someone who could benefit from my story share it with them. Help them to know that they are not dirty and they have nothing to be ashamed of, and they are truly loved! 

My Story-Part 6

Continually Trusting God in Blessing and Strife

Eventually, like with most marriages, Ben and I desired to expand our family.  We tried and tried and tried. For six months we tried. I know that doesn't seem like a long time, but when 13 (yes, I counted one day) of your closest friends are all expecting or unexpectedly expecting, six months seems like forever.

I haven't mentioned before is that Ben already had a child when we got married. AB is a sweet, loving, innocent boy. AB’s mom is not in our life—we rarely hear from her even when we try contacting her. 

During this time of not being able to get pregnant, I was constantly reminded of how easy it was for AB’s mom to get pregnant and how easy it was for her to leave him behind. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to have a child grow inside of me and I would love them forever and ever—but for whatever reason I couldn’t get pregnant and she so easily could. It didn’t seem fair. Why was God doing this to me?

Are you noticing a pattern: When things go wrong I'd just jump to blaming God. 

So why wasn’t I getting pregnant? At 21,I was diagnosed with stage four endometriosis, along with it's evil twin Interstitial Cystitis. Luckily, my gynecologist was very proactive and said we would only have to try on our own for six months, then she would send us to a specialist. 

Six months came and went, and off to a fertility specialist we went. 

But, I began to see we were leaning on ourselves and the world for we wanted, so I decided to pray. Wherever I could find people willing to pray for me, I asked them to pray for I would get pregnant. I wanted a child of my own to connect with more than anything.  

Maybe to fill that void again? 

Test after test proved I also had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I wondered if this was God's way of getting back at me for having sex before marriage. I cried out to Him, in desperation for a child. I, of course, know now that God doesn’t get back at us. He doesn’t strike us down because of what we’ve done. If that was the case he wouldn't have sent his ONE AND ONLY child to die on a cross just so to strike us down. Instead, He sent His son to save us, because He loves us. We see this in the Bible, in the Book of John. 

 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.  (John 3: 16-17 ESV)

Soon after I realized that God was not punishing me, but indeed he Love me, I started treatment for my PCOS, we were able to conceive a beautiful little girl!

 And oh, did the Lord know I would need a little girl. Don’t get me wrong—my son, AB, is amazing, but he is all BOY! He is a stinky, dirty, play with bugs and do sports type of boy. He won't sit and color with me, he won't cook with me, he doesn't enjoy doing girlie things with me. But, our daughter, EJ, is a tutu wearing, baby doll playing, girlie girl. In fact as I sit her typing this, she has: played doctor on me, colored me a picture and sat down next to me just to hang out. Okay, even though she is totally girlie girl, she totally adores her big brother and all that he does, she gets dirty right along with him, then realizes she is dirty and yells about it. The two together are quite the package for this momma. 

Every Season a New Chapter with God

Ben and I have now been married for five and a half years. AB is nine and EJ is two. We have recently uprooted our family and moved from the midwest to the south. We've had to rely more on God now then we have before as we don't have family here and we have a small, but growing, community of believers in our lives. 

This move is just another season in our life, but it has helped me to truly see God moving. He didn’t just start moving—He’s been moving ever since that I was born. Throughout my childhood of going to church and not really understating the Bible stories, verse, confirmation classes, and more. He was building a foundation for later. Throughout my teenage years of messing up, getting hurt, and being angry at Him, He was working it so that I’d eventually give Him my whole life. And throughout my early adult years he was also working so as a family we’d depend on Him in every good and bad situation. 

As you read my blog and watch me grow, I hope you will see him move in my life and in your life as well. Thank you for reading my story. Remember its not over, its just beginning of another chapter.

In Him

#warriorprincessKJ