My Story-Part 2

Hating God

Don’t get me wrong. I loved going to Bible camp and youth gatherings and teaching Sunday school. I felt alive at youth gatherings, being with other people in the church, worshipping the Lord. What amazing feelings! God was Awesome. 

But a fateful summer day changed all that. 

I was in 10th grade when I made my confirmation, and no longer a virgin. I had been someone who was going to save herself for her husband, for marriage — just like I was taught in church was God’s plan. Actually, I had no desire to have sex with anyone until my wedding night. However, I was someone who the boys at school never looked at and I had poor self-esteem. Mix this with access to the internet and I became someone who could easily be taken advantage of.  

I started looking for attention from boys in online chat rooms. Chris was an older boy and I liked his attention; I had found someone to “love” me. Someone to fill the empty spaces in my heart. Rather than turning to God and letting Him do that. 

Chris and I saw each other a few times, before that fateful summer day. I had lied to my parents about how I met him. I made up an elaborate story about how I had met him at an out of town volleyball match that they didn’t attend. They believed me, because I was a ‘good kid’ who did the right things, I didn’t get into trouble, and I hadn’t proven I couldn’t be trusted. 

That fateful day, my brother had a baseball game that just happened to be in Chris’ hometown. Well, of course I wanted to go! I talked my parents into letting me hang out with Chris instead of actually going to the baseball game. Chris took me back to his house where we weren’t supposed to go. He had a tent all set up—big plans it seemed. 

This should have been a big red flag and I should have bolted faster than any human being could have! But come on now, I was an overweight girl who was finally getting attention from—gasp—a boy! Besides, Chris knew my feelings about sex. He knew I was a virgin and I wasn’t ready. 

When I saw the tent in his yard, he told me it was there because he had spend the night out there. He figured we could just hang out in private, away from his brother. Say it with me—RED FLAG!

I should have been thinking, What in the world, girl! Get your fat butt of here! 

But I wasn’t. 

I believed him and I liked the attention he gave me.

We started kissing, honestly, I don’t remember much about him, but he was a terrible kisser. Like seriously terrible! I’m so sad that my first kiss was from him. One thing led to another and he started asking for more. This went on for more than an hour. Every time I answered no, he asked again. Finally. He got sick of asking and I got sick of hearing the question, and he talked me into it. 

He forced me into having sex. 

I lost my virginity that fateful afternoon.

At that point I was the only one who knew my secret. I felt all alone, and I started hating God. 

Because of growing up in church I had learned that God expected me to save myself for marriage.

I began to question, How could a God that expected me to save myself, put me in a situation where a boy would not hear my “no” as truly “no”; how could he just leave me there all alone? 

I’ll tell you how: God didn’t put me in that situation. I gave into the temptation from Satan. I look back now, and I know I was being a naive 15 year old girl, but that does not make what he did right either, but that does not mean I was asking for it, or that I deserved it. 

It also does not mean that I am dirty because of what happened to me. 

Sadly, the situation happened again. This time, Chris used the excuse “why can’t we do it again—we’ve already done it?” By this point. I was already hating myself and I didn’t understand what was going on with me, so he just let himself take over me. 

But finally I wised up and figured out this was not the boy I wanted to be sleeping with. I remember the day I broke up with him, I explained to him that he had raped me. He disagreed and I had to explain to him that, 'yes, because he forced me into having sex with him, he in fact had raped me.' At which point he fired back with “I should have poked a hole in the condom.”